This is a transcript for S01E01 of New Girl :"Pilot"
Director: Jake Kasdan
Creator: Elizabeth Meriwether
Writer: Elizabeth Meriwether
Original air date USA: 20 September 2011
Original air date UK: 6th January 2012
Current IMDb rating: 7.7/10 (11/04/14)
Zooey Deschanel - Jessica "Jess" Day
Jake Johnson - Nick Miller
Max Greenfield - Schmidt
Damon Wayans Jr. - Coach
Hannah Simone - Cecilia "Cece" Parekh
Mary Elizabeth Ellis - Caroline
Gillian Vigman - Kim
Ian Wolterstorff - Spencer
Ashton Swinford - Rochelle
David Neher - Benjamin
Jack Yang - Peter
Andy Scott Harris - Groaning boy
Hayley Marie Norman - Hot hostess
Lauren Dair Owens - Young Jess
Steve Bannos - Cab driver
SCENE: The apartment, a close up of Jess, sat on a sofa facing Nick, Schmidt and Coach.
JESS: So, you know in horror movies when the girls are like "Oh my god, there's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on in the dark", and you're like "what is your problem? Call the police", and she's like "okay" but it's too late because she's already getting murdered. Well, er, my story's kind of like that.
FLASHBACK - "Two Weeks Ago" - Jess is in a taxi, on the phone to Cece, her best friend.
JESS: It's a surprise for Spencer. I'm just gonna walk in and I'm gonna drop my coat on the ground. He says he had this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, and he's helping me put myself through college.
CECE: He didn't say the college part, did he?
JESS: Um, no, I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character.
CECE: Really? What's your stripper name?
JESS: Uh... Rebecca Johnson?
CECE: Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson?
JESS: Boobies Johnson. Two-boobs Johnson.
CECE: Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. I am so proud of you.
SCENE: Spencer's House - Jess enters through the front door, wearing nothing but a coat.
JESS: Hellooo? I came home early.
SPENCER: (Steps out of a room, surprised, wearing nothing but his underwear.) Jess. What-
JESS: Who's Jess? You're talking to...Tiger Boobs. (Jess takes off her coat and drops it on the ground, now completely naked.)
JESS: (Jess picks up a pillow, covers herself and starts dancing seductively a bit and sings a little stripper tune.) (Singing) I'm doing sexy things (starts trotting to the side) with the pillow.
JESS: (While shaking a plant, singing) I''m doing sexy stuff to the plant right here... (The plant falls over, making a mess.)
SPENCER: Woah, okay.
JESS: (Singing) I'll pick that up later.
JESS: (Turns around, singing) Who's that girl? (Louder) Who's that girl? (Spins back around) It's Jess!
(Another girl stands by Spencer in her underwear)
(Jess stands and stares in absolute shock.)
Close up of a ribbon dropping to the floor that was previously covering Jess' lady parts.
SCENE: Back in the apartment.
JESS: So, that happened. That's why I need a new apartment. I'm sorry, what was the question again?
(We now see Nick, Schmidt and Coach sat opposite Jess on the other sofa. They're all staring at her, speechless.)
NICK: Do you have any pets?
SCENE: Everyone remains where they were before the opening credit.
JESS: You know what's funny? When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women.
SCHMIDT: (Nick, Schmidt and Coach laugh and joke a bit, Schmidt suddenly turns serious) Why would you think that? That's crazy. I mean, what-
NICK: Schmidt wrote the ad.
JESS: Oh. I guess it was something about the words you used. It was like, er, like "sun-soaked" and "beigey".
NICK: (Nick and Coach laugh more, Schmidt takes off his top) What are you doing?
SCHMIDT: What about these? These look beigey to you?
NICK: I'm sorry.
COACH: I'm his trainer so, er, it's kind of the house that coach built right here. (Coach slaps Schmidt's abs and rubs them a bit)
NICK: What are we looking at here? That's baby smooth.
SCHMIDT: This is LLS. Ladies Love Schmidt.
COACH: What!? What did you just say? Go put a dollar in the jar right now. (There is a jar sat on a table with the label "DOUCHEBAG JAR")
SCHMIDT: Are you serious?
COACH: Yeah! Now.
SCHMIDT: Dammit. (He gets up and walks out of shot, putting a dollar in the douchebag jar on his way)
NICK: LLS, what is wrong with you?
JESS: (Now standing) This place is beautiful. It gets so much light. Spencer hated light. It's hard to say his name.
SCHMIDT: It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped.
NICK: (Sniggering) Dumped. Yeah, I got dumped.
FLASHBACK - A restaurant, Nick and his ex-girlfriend, Caroline are sat at a table.
NICK: (With hands over his hears, shouting over Caroline) I can't hear you, that means we're not breaking up! We can't break up if I can't hear you! No! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
CAROLINE: (While Nick is shouting) I need a break. Yes, we're breaking up. I'm breaking up with you. I need some time away-
END FLASHBACK - Back in the apartment
NICK: Yeah, I got dumped. She dumped. And I'm over it. Okay, it was six months ago, guys. Get past it. I don't even know why we're still talking about it. Why's everybody looking at me? (He puts his head in his hands. Suddenly Nick, Schmidt and Coach approach Jess, who is in the kitchen now, they stand on the opposite side of a counter)
JESS: You know what, I want to live here.
NICK: Actually, I still have some questions. I mean, like, no offence but we barely know ya.
JESS: Yeah, okay, yeah. So, um, full disclosure, I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the break-up so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing at least 6 or 7 times... a day.
(Coach shakes his head slightly, looks and is disgusted)
JESS: Um, I'm a teacher so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, stuff like that. Also, I like to sing to myself - a lot. (Singing) A lot... I'm tired of living with my friend. She's a model. All her friends are models.
SCHMIDT: (Excited) Er, how soon can you move in?
NICK: Actually, Schmidt, slow down.
COACH: Not happening.
SCHMIDT: Okay, um, can you give us a second? I've just gotta.. (Thumping his chest) I gotta talk to my boys.
NICK: "My boys" is not a thing in here.
SCHMIDT: My bros.
NICK: Okay, Jar.
SCHMIDT: Come on, you're my bros.
TIME JUMP - The apartment - Nick, Schmidt and Coach are in the bathroom talking.
SCHMIDT: I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. Okay, you guys? Models.
COACH: I say no. I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch, and let my beans out. Let 'em breathe.
SCHMIDT: Nick, it's all you, buddy.
NICK: Well, first, let me say I think you guys make some really interesting points. Points that I respect, but I will say this. I have lived with a woman, Caroline, as you guys know, and so I know that there are pros and I know that there are real cons, guys.
COACH: Nick, you're weak!
NICK: Okay, Pros: they smell nice. Cons: every once in a while, the mood changes and you're not sure why. They'll ruin your life if you let 'em, they'll break down your will to live. Pros: they're really good at folding.
COACH: Make a decision!
NICK: I'm sorry, you know what? But, like, another pro, like when you-
SCHMIDT: Don't do it, put it down.
NICK: I got it. (Puts a hood on and slowly pulls it over his face)
SCHMIDT: Don't hood me. Please don't hood me. Okay.
NICK: I know what I'm talking about.
COACH: We pushed him too hard.
SCHMIDT: We did push him too hard. How about this? Executive decision, she's in.
JESS: (Out of shot) Yay, I'm in! (Schmidt walks over and opens the bathroom door. Jess is stood there.)
JESS: You are not gonna regret this.
TIME JUMP - The apartment - Jess sits alone on the floor watching Dirty Dancing, crying her eyes out, she is surrounded by used tissues and wrappers. Nick, Schmidt and Coach stare from a difference.
NICK: What have you done, Schmidt? (Coach stares at Schmidt, who shrugs like whaaat?)
SCENE: The apartment - Jess lies on a sofa watching Dirty Dancing, it's still quite messy around her, she's on the phone to her mother.
JESS: I gotta go, mom. No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. (Nick enters.)
JESS: No, I don't think so. (To Nick) Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the internet?
NICK: Yes, I am.
JESS: He says no.
(Schmidt and Coach enter, they've been working out.)
JESS: No, look, I gotta go, okay? Alright, love you. Bye.
SCHMIDT: So the Wild West party's on Saturday. I'm trying to get us in but you may need to call Caroline.
NICK: (Quickly) I'm not calling Caroline.
SCHMIDT: Hear me out.
(Nick shushes Schmidt and puts his hand on Schmidt's mouth.)
JESS: (Singing along with Dirty Dancing) ... had the time of my life.
NICK: (Pointing at Jess) We are in this situation because of you.
JESS: (Jess begins punching the sofa/pillows in the background) I hate your face, Spencer, I love you!
NICK: It has been a week of this madness. I am going crazy, Schmidt, I can't take it.
COACH: You know what? I got this. (He walks over to Jess and sits on the coffee table opposite her)
JESS: Hi, Coach.
COACH: (Firmly) Stop it. Stop!
(Jess starts wailing even louder than before)
SCHMIDT: Okay. Alright. I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out. Jess, I'm gonna take the remote. (TV turning off sound) Alright. Alright, hey, Jess. (Jess just points at the TV) How you doing? (Jess shrugs like 'put the tv back on') You look fantastic. Listen, what if you came out with us tonight? You know after work. You know, we'll fix you up, we'll take you out. We'll get you a rebound.
JESS: A rebound?
JESS: I don't know if I'm ready.
SCHMIDT: You're totally ready for it, I'll take you through the whole thing. You know, I'll be like your guide!
JESS: Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?
SCHMIDT: Probably not like...okay, first of all, let's take the Lord of the Rings references, let's put 'em in a deep, dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever.
JESS: Except Smeagol, (whispering) he lives in a cave.
SCHMIDT: You know what, Jess? Come on. Let's just take the head off the couch. Come on. Sit up, girl. (Jess sits up straight) Look at that, doesn't that feel good? There we go.
JESS: I think that sounds nice. (Singing) She's going out to find a rebound. Who's that girl? It's Jess!
NICK: Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself?
SCHMIDT: (After some hesitation) I'm a...I'm a fix it.
SCENE: Schmidt dressed in a suit is chasing Nick down the corridor of the apartment.
NICK: I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party. (Nick is walking down the corridor with a towel over his shoulder Schmidt following behind.)
SCHMIDT: This party is everything to me, please Nick. We go every year, you have no idea what I'm going through at work.
FLASHBACK - Schmidt in a meeting room, addressing a table of women.
SCHMIDT: (Shouting over the noise of protesting women) I am just trying to do my work. I'm just trying to do a good job, here.
WOMAN: Nice tie, can I borrow a tampon? (Teasingly, laughter in the background.)
FLASHBACK END - Schmidt shudders at the memory. Nick and Schmidt are in the bathroom, whilst Jess is in the shower.
NICK: Schmidt, I'm not calling her.
SCHMIDT: Listen to me, knowing every year that I will be going to the Waa Waa West Charity Auction for poverty reminds me that I'm still a man, and I can still motorboat a hot girl who is also a member of the Chiriquí nation, which is not racist because it is for a good cause.
JESS: (From inside the shower) Somebody's in here.
SCHMIDT: We're leaving in ten minutes, did you shave your legs?
JESS: I will now.
SCHMIDT: Front and backs?
SCHMIDT: Thank you.
NICK: (Quietly) Ok, I'm gonna kill myself now.
SCHMIDT: Just call Caroline, you call her all the time when you're drunk.
NICK: (Feigning innocence) I don't know to what you are referring.
FLASHBACK - A drunk Nick is on the sofa with a beer on the phone, leaving a drunken voicemail on her phone
NICK: (In a very bad British accent, swigging beer) Hello, Caroline. I still love you, so much. (Starts to sob) So, much. (Puts his head in his hands.)
FLASHBACK END - In the bathroom
NICK: I'm not calling her.
JESS: (Pulls back shower curtain and gets out, wearing a bright pink swimsuit) Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, but wouldn't it be better to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat, then maybe if you're super lucky, you find a girl who'll motorboat you right back.
NICK: (Smirking) I don't think she knows what motorboating is.
SCENE: Jess's bedroom - with the door open. Jess is wearing a blue robe, whilst staring at her clothe- scattered bed, deciding what to wear.
SCHMIDT: (From another room) Jess, we are leaving in five.
COACH: (Walks in to the room with a basketball) Hey.
JESS: (Holding a curling iron in her hair, turns around) Hey Coach, wha--
COACH: (Smashes an ornament with his basketball) Sorry. Uh, my boss says that I don't know how to talk to women, which is ridiculous...
FLASHBACK - Coach in a gym, with a women who is on an exercise bike, she is upset because he is shouting at her.
COACH: SPIN WOMAN, SPIN! AHHHHHHH!
WOMAN: I'm spinning! You are so mean! (Sobbing)
COACH: I'M NOT MEAN, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!
FLASHBACK END - Back in Jess's room
COACH: So I was wondering if you could, uh, help me out with that.
JESS: Sure, sure. Absolutely. (Sits down on the edge of her bed) Um, well, first of all, maybe think about what women like to talk about, you know, like, use me for practice.
COACH: Alright, uh, um, (clears throat) shopping, is that fun for you guys?
JESS: Yeah, shopping's fun. Uh, the other day I bought a pair of jeggings, they look like jeans but they're really leggings.
COACH: Uh, uh, you-, I-. Who cares!? Sorry.
JESS: (Nods) Uhm, good job. Uh, a couple of things you could work on, uh 1. Lowering your voice.
COACH: Right on.
JESS: Uhm, 2. Listening. (Her hair begins to smoke) 3. Rage. (Smokes a bit more.)
JESS: Uhm, 4.--
COACH: Your hair is on fire. (She frowns at him and then glances to the side.)
SCENE: In the bar, where Nick works as a bartender. He is serving the gang drink whilst they are at a table.
NICK: Beers, and a rose.
JESS: Pink wines makes me, slutty. (A 'cute' guy walks by)
JESS: Woah, cute guy alert. (does silly stuff with her glasses whilst making noises whilst Schmidt shakes his head and Coach and Nick glance at each other)
SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess, gametime. Let's do this. If you wanna forget about Spencer (she nods) you're gonna have to do some very very bad things, (points) with that man, right over there.
JESS: (glances to look at the man) How bad?
SCHMIDT: Real bad, Jess. Real bad.
JESS: Like a, make-out sess, no tops?
SCHMIDT: (Losing the will) Okay, this is what- this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna go over there and you're gonna stand next to him and you're gonna smile. (she smiles a little creepily) But, you're not gonna smile like that. (Pulls a weird kind of rabbit/chipmunk smile) That looks like a, hungry badger. Pulls the same face but tries to smile as well)
COACH: Stop that.
JESS: Okay, I got this, I got this.
SCHMIDT: You got this. You got it. Just go make it out.
COACH: Get 'em up! Ride 'em out! Go do it. Ride 'em out! Huhah! (they both stand watching as she walks up to the man)
JESS: (Walks up to the side of him, pulls a pose with her hands on her hips and leans over) Hey, sailor. (He glances at her, and then looks back away)
COACH: Oh. Alright.
COACH: That's okay. Maybe he didn't hear that.
SCHMIDT: You can come back from that.
COACH: Maybe he didn't hear that.
SCHMIDT: It's all good.
BENJAMIN: (Noticing it was Schmidt) HOLY SCHMIDT, IT'S SCHMIDT! (Walks towards Schmidt)
SCHMIDT: Oh, it is all about the Benjamin! Wassup?! (Share a man hug) Alright, P-Funk, what's up dude? This is Coach.
BENJAMIN: What's up Coach? (Falters when Coach doesn't reply) You like parties?
COACH: Don't talk to me. (Walks away)
BENJAMIN: Yeah, okay.
SCHMIDT: You know who likes to party hard, right?
BENJAMIN: Yeah, so you coming on Saturday, I here there's gonna be some fine ladies there?
SCHMIDT: Uh, maybe, yeah. I heard it's not gonna be that good this year. No?
BENJAMIN: Are you not on the list?
SCHMIDT: Man, I'm on the list, you know that.
BENJAMIN: Ohhh. That sucks man. Keep your head up, alright?
SCHMIDT: Alright, player. Do your thing man, it was good seeing you. Alright, man, P-Funk, always. (Walks over to the bar where, Coach, Nick and Jess are) Nick, please.
NICK: (Leaning over the bar) Why are you friends with those guys?
SCHMIDT: Nick, please get me in the party, I'm begging you, please.
NICK: No, I'm not calling Caroline.
SCHMIDT: Do you know what a cute cowboy I am? Do you have any idea? (Coach gets up and leaves)
SCENE: At the bar, Jess is sitting, eating a meal with a glass of wine, talking to Nick who is working at the bar.
JESS: Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy.
NICK: I don't think you're trying that hard.
JESS: Well, I've never been, great at this stuff, so... (bites on a celery stick)
FLASHBACK - At someone's home, young Jess is sitting on a chair playing her guitar and singing to a small group of people at a party.
JESS: (Singing) What if God was one of us?
BOY: God, make it stop! (Puts his hands over his ears)
JESS: (Singing) Just a slob like one of us?
END OF FLASHBACK - At the bar, with Nick and Jess
JESS: Looks at us, couple of losers, we both got dumped, jeesh.
NICK: (Shaking his head) I'm fine. Six months ago so...
JESS: Do you know why she dumped you? I mean she must've hurt you pretty bad..
NICK: No, no, it made no difference to me, I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire.
JESS: So are you always just like wondering, like, what was it, was there something I could've done differently? (he shakes his head) Do you know what happens to people who keep it all inside? They get old, and they get sad and they get weird and then you're the old man yelling at the kids who are running across your yard and you're telling them 'Don't run across my yard, my life's full of regret'. You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.
NICK: Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
JESS: Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.
NICK: No, I was being mean, I'm not gonna do that, Jess.
JESS: Why not?! It's fun!
NICK: Because I have a penis, Jess.
JESS: (Singing in an old man's voice) My name is Nick, I have a penis and I'm not gonna let any feelings out.
NICK: (Leaning forward) Okay Jess, your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings.
JESS: Yeah, I know.
PETER: (P-FUNK) Hey, I'm Peter. What are you drinking?
JESS: Oh, I'll have another pink wine. (Nick begins to walk away, taking out his phone)
PETER: I like your glasses,
JESS: They help me see.
SCENE: At a table, Jess and Peter are chatting and laughing, being observed by Schmidt and Coach.
COACH: She's doing alright.
BENJAMIN: (Walking up to Schmidt and Coach) Schmidt stain! Hey man. I was thinking that it's probably best that you don't come to the party, that means more breast for me. (Laughs)
SCHMIDT: (Standing up) You better step down son, you're taking this whole thing too far. Hold me back Coach, I'm seri-. Hold me back. Hold me back! Coach, would you please hold me back.
NICK: (Walking up to him from the other side of the bar) Schmidt, we're going to the party, relax.
BENJAMIN: Nice, see you there Schmidtty! (Walks away)
SCHMIDT: Ah, totally, Broseph.
NICK: Yeah I texted Caroline.
COACH: You text Caroline?
NICK: (Nods) It's no big deal, it's behind me. It's in the past so..
SCHMIDT: Thank you, I love you, (hugs him) very, very much.
NICK: Yeah...Did you just kiss my arm a little?
SCHMIDT: Yeah I did, it felt right.
PETER: (Walking with Jess) So I'll see you tomorrow, sailor. (Walks away)
JESS: Yeah, cool. I'll call--, cool.
NICK: So what's happening tomorrow, sailor?
JESS: You know what, you guys were totally right. I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex and it totally worked. He asked me out. Dinner, with food. Oooh oooh.
SCHMIDT: I'm so proud of you. (Hugs her)
COACH: You got it girl.
SCHMIDT: You did good.
COACH: You got it down. (High fives her)
JESS: (With her hands in the air) It's Jess, she's on (sings) fiiiirrreee! (Backs away at the same time, starts dancing and all the guys groan because as she turns, they notice her top is tucked in her panties)
COACH: Big ass panties.
NICK: Alright, shall we tell her?
SCHMIDT: I'll think we'll let her have her moment.
SCENE: At the apartment, Cece is sitting on the couch in a low cut dress, with all the guys staring at her, whilst she waits for Jess.
CECE: Do the shoes fit , Jess?
JESS: (Hears a thump) I'm okay!
COACH: What are you, a model or something?
CECE: Yeah. Yes. Mostly print right now... so.
SCHMIDT: What is it? Cece? Cecelia? Chechelia? Tell me what are your hopes and dreams? Are you warm? I'm a little, huh, I'm a little warm right now. (Begins to take off his t-shirt)
NICK: Don't, Schmidt.
COACH: All right.
SCHMIDT: (Finishes taking off his shirt) Oh yeah. There it is. (Breathes deeply an flexes)
CECE: (Unfazed) Please put your shirt back on. Please don't make me laugh at you.
SCHMIDT: Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? Ahhh. Oh my God. How good is that, for real, whaat? A little Peaman tea? Yum, right? Hot, sweet, a little teabag action. And I wasn't, I wasn't talking about...
NICK: (Reaching over to grab the jar) There it is.
CECE: Listen to me you guys, Jess is by far the best person that I know, so if you guys let anything happen to her, I'm gonna come here, and crazy murder you.
SCHMIDT: I'm gonna be honest with you. I did not hear a word you just said 'cause I can kinda see your party hats right now.
NICK: (Reaching over for the jar again) Here we go.
CECE: Jess! (Gets up and walks off)
NICK: (Schmidt deposits another dollar into the douchebag jar) Why are you talking like this?
SCENE: Opening Jess' door, Cece sees Jess, sprawled on the floor.
JESS: I fell off my heels.
CECE: Okay. Alright. No. Come on. (Kneels to pull Jess up) Get up.
JESS: Oh, what am I doing? I can't go on a date, what if it's horrible, what if I have nothing to talk about?
CECE: Then you go to the bathroom and you call me and you tell me all about it.
JESS: Maybe I just shouldn't go.
CECE: Babe, you got hurt, that doesn't mean you stop trying. Okay?
JESS: (Mumbles something and nods)
CECE: Okay. Let's go, come on. (Both stand up and look at what she's wearing) You gotta take off those overalls.
JESS: I was going for, like a, like a hot farmer's daughter kinda thing, you know like. (Puts on a voice) Oh, I'm to go milk my cows, with my bucket.
CECE: Take 'em off.
JESS: Okay, what am I going to wear?
SCENE: All the guys are sitting doing things when Cece walks out in Jess's overalls with a proud smile on her face. Nick looks up and Cece motions for Jess to appear.
COACH: (Jess walks out and gets Coach and Schmidt's attention.) Wow!
JESS: (Nick smiles, Jess smiles) Thanks, Coach. (Then she starts doing a rave dance with rave music.)
SCHMIDT: And then she does that.
JESS: I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm heading over.
NICK: Wait, have you been texting him?
JESS: Yeah, is that bad?
NICK: (Pauses and shakes his head) No. (Smiles slightly) It's nice. Have a good night.
JESS: This gonna be great.
SCENE: At a very A-List club, there is really loud music and a large que of people outside, waiting to get in.
SCHMIDT: Coach, you don't look anything like an Indian.
COACH: Look man, I got your back, you gotta have mine too.
NICK: Coach, I got your back.
COACH: No, Nick. I wanna hear it from him.
SCHMIDT: Coach, what sort of Indian wears bike shorts.
NICK: S'cuse me, is er, Caroline, I'm looking for Caroline, we're supposed to be on some list?
CAROLINE: Hey, Nick. (Waves)
NICK: Sorry, I'm wearing this stupid thing. Schmidt made me do it. Thank you so much for getting us in.
CAROLINE: Yeah, no problem. Um, maybe to pay me back you can stop prank calling me.
CAROLINE: Uh, (puts on some kind of accent pretending to be Nick's voicemail) Hello Caroline, I still loves you I do.
NICK: Yeah, you gotta figure that out, some crazy person's calling you. You look nice, it's good to see you.
CAROLINE: Um, I think I'm almost finished out here if you, do you wanna go, grab a drink?
NICK: Sure, yeah let's, you and I just get a drink.
CAROLINE: Let's get a drink.
NICK: Let's be normal about it.
NICK: Actually, hold on, I'm sorry. I just, I have to ask you something so that, one day, I'm not an old man filled with regret, but why did you dump me?
CAROLINE: Um, do, okay, are we doing this here, like now?
NICK: (Sighs) Yeah, why did you dump me?
CAROLINE: Um. Honestly I, I didn't even realize that you cared about me until we broke up.
NICK: Okay. Let's get that drink.
BENJAMIN: (In a western accent) Get along little doggy. Well howdy there, muchachos.
NICK: (Walking over notices Peter) Hey, where's Jess?
PETER: Oh, dude, she texted me like seven times. Like long ones. I just wanna hook up.
NICK: So's she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her?
PETER: Yeah, that's what I did, I called her. (Laughs with Benjamin)
BENJAMIN: See you inside, Schmidt.
CAROLINE: Nick, you wanna get that drink?
NICK: No, I gotta go help a friend, Caroline. (Starts walking away with Coach.)
SCHMIDT: (Holding up his hands in front of them) Nonononononono, guys, this is the party of the year, guys this is our night, this is our night!
COACH: (They keep walking) I'm going with Nick, man, you coming?
SCHMIDT: I thought you guys were my boys?
NICK: You're boys is not a thing, Schmidt, stop. (starts running) We're coming Jess!
SCHMIDT: (Stands there mulling it over. Sees a 'hot' Indian dressed girl waving and jumping up and down, with big boobs. Bites his knuckle, thinking about it) Uhh. (runs after them)
SCENE: In the restaurant, Jess is waiting to meet Peter for her date, a waitress approaches.
JESS: Do you have anything, else that is, free, but also has bread in it, because the, the like good bread I ate and uh, all that's left is a, it's like a, it's kind of like a health bread?
WAITRESS: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table.
JESS: Um, can I please just stay, just a little bit longer?
NICK: WE'RE HERE! (Running in with the guys) Yup, we're here, Jess! We're here.
SCHMIDT: We're here for the date, the date thing.
WAITRESS: (Shocked) You're all here, for the date?
NICK: Yeah we are. We're her boyfriends. We are reversed mormons, one man just isn't enough for her.
WAITRESS: Ohhkay. (Walks away)
NICK: Hey, Jess, that guys was a jerk, he's a clown.
JESS: (Getting all emotional) You guys missed your party to come here and, to see me?
NICK: Yeah, we uh, we care about you. We like you.
JESS:That's so nice. (Sniffles)
COACH: What is that?
NICK: Don't start crying.
COACH: Come on.
JESS: (Crying) It's cool. It's very very cool.
NICK: Come on, Jess, come on.
COACH: Stop it!
NICK: Coach, shut up. It's okay, hey, don't cry. (Singing, badly) For I've had the time of my life. (Jess looks up)
COACH: What is he doing?
NICK: And I've never felt this way before. Yes it's true. Na na na na na, and it's (hits Coach so he starts to sing/mumble) something something something, something something.
COACH: There's bears, in my house and it goes like this.
NICK: (Over Coach) And it's the something that you really really have.
SCHMIDT: I'm not uh, I'm not doing any of this. (Nick hits him and he starts singing whilst the others mumble in the background) Just remember, you're the one thing, I can't get enough of.
(They stop briefly and she laughs, they keep mumble singing random words getting louder, and then sing the chorus really badly.)
All of them, including Jess: I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you.
NICK: What time is it!!??
ALL OF THEM: I've had the time of my life-
WAITRESS: [Walks up to them] Hey, you have to leave now, all of you!
(They walk out singing really loudly, Jess grinning from ear to ear)
SCENE: The gang is on the sofa, watching the end of Dirty Dancing.
NICK: You're right Jess, this movie's pretty good.
JESS: Seriously, thank you guys for tonight, that was really cool.
SCHMIDT: Listen Jess, I know you've had a rough go with it, I just want you to know, that, I mean for me at least, no matter what, I would still totally do you.
JESS: Aww, that's so sweet.
SCHMIDT: Yeah, absolutely.
NICK: Yeah, jar.
END OF EPISODE