This is a transcript for S01E03 - "Wedding"
Director: Jason Winter
Creator: Elizabeth Meriwether
Writer: Donick Cary
Original air date USA: 4 October 2011
Original air date UK: 20 January 2012
IMDB Rating: 7.6 (11/04/14)
Zooey Deschanel - Jess (Jessica) Day
Jake Johnson - Nick Miller
Max Greenfield - Schmidt
Lamorne Morris - Winston Bishop
Hannah Simone - Cece
Mary Elizabeth Ellis - Caroline
Katie Cassidy - Brooke
Natasha Lyonne - Gretchen
Armaan Juneja - Jimmy Longjam
Eric Winzenried - Bartender
Darren Capozzi - DJ Announcer
Dawan Owens - Man
Will Hawkes - Videographer
SCENE: Jess' room, trying on dresses whilst Nick and Schmidt are sitting on the bed waiting for her.
JESS: It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is 'Nicknack' or 'Mr. Suspenders'...
SCHMIDT: No nicknames, okay, your only job tonight, is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay and make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.
JESS: Why can't you and Winston help?
SCHMIDT: We've tried, he doesn't listen to us anymore.
FLASHBACK - Nick sitting on the floor crying about Caroline whilst Schmidt stands in the doorway trying to comfort him.
SCHMIDT: She's not coming back. (Nick cries even harder).
NICK: He's right, I don't.
JESS: [Coming out of the closet with a hideous, yellow, floral dress] Tah dah!
NICK: [Eyes wide] That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
SCHMIDT: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay, when I see you I wanna be thinking who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse?
Jess: [In an English accent] Probably the slut butler, right?
Winston: [Sticking his head around the door] Yo, let's go, we can't be late, I am in the wedding.
Nick:You're the usher, so relax.
Winston: Yeah I'll be busy, that way I won't have to sit around answering a bunch of stupid questions all day, like, 'Do you have a job', 'Are you still playing basketball?' Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball?
Schmidt: What is the matter with you?
Winston: This is the first job I've had in like, two months, dude, and I really just want get in there and ush this wedding in the face!
Schmidt: You're gonna be great, man.
Jess: So when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that usually it goes: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, [realising she went wrong] duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, mmm mmm mm... But instead of the clap, I like to do a peck, because it's more realistic. [Miming the actions]
Nick: No chicken dance!
Schmidt: Okay, look, we're not trying to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself... in any way.
Jess: Okay, suppress the Jess. Got it.
Schmidt: [To Nick] Did you use my hair gel?
Nick: Did I use your hair gel?
Schmidt: I'm not gonna be mad, just let me know if you did.
Nick: I used your hair gel.
Schmidt: Are you serious?
[Jess comes out of the closet in a pretty purple dress]
Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse?
Nick: Wow! You look great!
[Reveals prop teeth]
Jess: [speaks in a Southern American accent but inaudible]
Schmidt: NO! [Walks off]
Nick: No teeth, Jess! You can't use prop teeth! [Walks off]
Jess: Come on, guys. These are hilarious, kids love these.
ROLL TITLES - The short version
[In the foyer to the wedding, Jess, Nick, Winston and Schmidt enter and begin mooching]
Jess: Wanna know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit in this dress was by wearing little girls' bicycle shorts underneath, they are tight! I will not be peeing tonight. Oh my god, bubbles.... [heads off towards the bubbles]
Nick: [heads after her clutching her arm and guiding her away] No, no, no, no, Jess, no bubbles, no bubbles, please!
Schmidt: Hoohoo, a lot of big game here tonight, yoohoohoo. [Sees Brooke] Oh, oh there's Brooke.
Jess: Who's Brooke?
Nick: He's been into her, since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our front porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
Schmidt: I'd always leave water out for her. Okay, tonight just got real. She's go on top of the 'kill list'.
Jess: Is that because you're going to attempt to kill her by having sex with her?
Schmidt: More or less, yeah.
Jess: Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.
[In the garden, Jess is doing Nick's tie]
Jess: Look at my new boyfriend, so fancy in his big-boy tie.
Nick: Jess, would you please stop?
Jess: Okay, what is it with Caroline, you're like a different person?
Nick: Just focus on getting through today, please.
Jess: Okay Mr. Boy T Friend.
Nick: What did I tell ya?
Jess: Huhuh, don't be myself.
Jess: It's what I love about our relationship, you never let me be myself.
[Winston is standing, waiting to do his job]
Man: Hey, Winston.
Man: You're back.
Mam: What are you up to? Where you working at?
Winston: Here, as an usher. [Turns to a woman who is waiting to be seated] Hi, what a beautiful dress.
Jimmy: I'm surprised you noticed the dress, I was distracted by the woman inside. Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher.
Winston: Alternate usher, I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher.
Jimmy: You were late, it's called commitment. Look it up in a typewriter, old man.
Jimmy: How much money do you make?
Winston: Where is your mother?
Woman: Can somebody help me?
Jimmy and Winston: Hello, bride or groom?
Woman: Oh, thank you. [To Jimmy]
[Nick, Jess and Schmidt]
Schmidt: Oh no, no, not tonight, no! [Looks at someone]
Jess: Who is that?
Schmidt: It's Gretchen Nelson, she's a terrible person. We can't stand each other, at every wedding we end up having sex.
Flashback: Schmidt and Gretchen getting it on in the closet at some wedding with the Bridal March on in the background. Then Schmidt and Gretchen getting it on in a store cupboard at some wedding. End.
Schmidt: I mean, the sex was amazing. She's coming over.
Nick: Hey, there are those people that we know.
Jess: Oooh, what people? [Both walk off and leave Schmidt alone.]
Schmidt: [Clears his throat] Hello, Gretchen. I see you wore the pant suit again.
Gretchen: This is a new one. It's got way more stretch, in the pants.
Schmidt: That's horrible.
Gretchen: Are you ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.
Schmidt: Oh, god, how many are there?
Gretchen: It's a two hour slide show.
Schmidt: No! Gretchen, we can't do this anymore, okay. It's not...it's not healthy, alright, please, no more.
[Sitting in their chairs, Caroline is staring at Nick with Jess]
Nick: There she is, there she is, she's right over there. She's right over here. Just be cool.
Caroline: [Coming over] Hi.
Nick: Hey, Caroline, wow! I didn't know you were gonna be here. It's good to see you.
Jess: Nicholas, you have to introduce me.
Nick: Uh, yeah, of course, er..Jess this is Caroline.
Jess: One more time, Caroline? [with and ee sounding i]
Caroline: Uh, Caroline.
Jess: Oh, kay, fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas' girlfriend, we just started dating so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep, so much doing it.
Nick: So much doing it, it's crazy.
Jess: He's so soft, like a towel.
Caroline: Well, uh, it was nice to meet you.
Jess: It was so nice to meet you too, Carol.
Jess: [Laughs] i give up.
Caroline: I guess I'll, see you later.
Nick: Sure. [To Jess] Oh my god, was she jealous? I think she was jealous. You did so good. That was remarkable.
Jess: [Puts on prop teeth] I'm just doing what ma momma learnt me.
Nick: [Holding out his hand] Gimme the teeth. [Jess drops them into his hand]
[Scene: At the bar, after the ceremony]
Schmidt: Hi, wow, Brooke. Schmidt. You used to worry my poncho, freshman year. Remember that? No? Fat Schmidt?
Brooke: Fat Schmidt! Of course! Wow, you look great.
Schmidt: You, also, sure, um, how are your classes? I mean...not that we're, not that we're in school anymore, I know that. What...what are you drinking? White wine?
Brooke: I'm not drinking. I'm sober, six months. Can I get a saltzer, please?
Schmidt: Me too.
Brooke: You're six months sober, also?
Schmidt: Seven months, one more.
Brooke: Wow! That's great! Congratulations.
Bartender: Here's your white wine.
Schmidt: What? That's a mistake, no I didn't order that. No. No, sir! [Even the smell of it...]
Brooke: I'm going back to my table, but you can come talk to me, if you need to.
Schmidt: Okay, thank you. [To bartender] So what I need you to do is this, I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay, and rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? Same page, same page?
[Scene: In the venue]
Jimmy: [Laughs at Winston]
Winston: [To Nick] This kid is pushing my buttons.
Nick: Winston, he's just a little boy, relax.
Schmidt: If Brooke asks, I six months clean and sober, and looking to settle down.
Nick: Great. [To Jess] Schmidt's sober. What are you doing? [She is touching his face]
Jess: She's looking at us. [Waves at Caroline] Your head is shaped like a yam.
Nick: Yeah I know, I can't wear soft hats. Hey, when she comes here I want to talk to her about myself.
Caroline: Hi, could that ceremony have lasted any longer? [Laughs at own joke]
Jess: Hahaha. We loved it, taking notes, unless Mr. Commitment Phobe over here, decides to make an honest women out of me.
Nick:: Hey, Jess. Did you wanna go do that thing, for um...?
Jess: Yes, I did. I wanted to do it very badly... [Leaves]
Nick: Thank you.
DJ: And now, for the first time ever, Mr and Mrs Hammond.
[Jess walks right into the doorway where the bride and groom are entering through]
Jess: [Looks awkwardly around] Yay! Bride and groom! Make way! Hazaar! Celebrate love! Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy.
Caroline: Jess is...great.
Nick: Yeah, the best. So happy.
Caroline: Are you guys pretty serious?
Nick: Yeah, we are pretty serious. Yeah, we live together. I mean different bedrooms but shared bathrooms, so that's something.
[Scene: Schmidt at the bar]
Schmidt: Alcohol, any kind of alcohol you have. Just gimme anything. Thank you.
Gretchen: Gimme that.
Schmidt: Oh God. It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle.
Gretchen: Eugh, where did you get those boots? Off a lady hiker?
Schmidt: Look at those earrings. Are they clip ons?
Gretchen: [Whispers] I'm gonna make you wear them.
Scmhidt:... Huh. No!
[Jess is sitting at a table pulling at her shorts]
Jess: Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
Schmidt: Yes, now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke, she's perfect and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic mean spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen, it's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.
Jess: What's so bad about liking Gretchen, I mean you guys obviously have like a weird connection?
Schmidt: No, no, no. I wanna connect with Brooke. I wanna connect with her in the shower, on the floor, sitting Indian style.
Jess: Okay, you know what, you can keep talking but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears.
Winston: We got a problem. [They look over at Nick and Caroline talking]
Schmidt: Jess, what did you do?
Jess: Look, they're fine. They're just talking.
Schmidt: No, not fine.
Winston: No, no, no. With Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten page email about what she meant when she said 'I'll see you soon'.
Schmidt: She will flirt with until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her back up plan.
Jess: I didn't know that.
Schmidt: You wanna live with Nick when he's not showering and crying all day?
Winston: Yeah, it sounds like this. [Imitates Nick]
Schmidt: You ever heard a grown man sob listening to Simon and Garfunkel?
Jess: Yeah, my dad.
Jess: Okay, I get it, I'll go but I just...these biker shorts are really tight...
Schmidt: [Getting her up] Come on, work through it.
Jess: Okay, okay.
Schmidt: It's all on you, Jess.
[Jess starts dancing in front of the table where Nick and Caroline are sat]
Jess: Come on in, honey. The water's fine.
Nick: Jess, you know I don't dance.
Jess: Oh, but you didn't know that I did this. [starts to mime dance] I'm mime walking, I'm Mimechael Jackson.
Nick: [Laughs nervously]
Caroline: I'm gonna get a drink.
Nick: Me too.
Jess: Nick, wait, no.
Nick: Yes, relax this is good, I may actually have a chance and it's all because of you so thank you.
Jess: No Nick, that wasn't my intention. Nick, Nick! [Jimmy comes up and starts dancing with Jess] Oh, hi. I don't feel like dancing right now, I'm sorry. I'm really uncomfortable right now.Oh Winston, thank God. Nick got away!
Winston: Nick can wait, this, this is about honesty. [Starts having a dance off with Jimmy]
DJ: And, looks like we have a dance off.
Winston: What?! [Starts grinding on Jess]
Jess: Oh my God, what are you doing?!
Jimmy: Mom! Mommy?!
Jess: Nick? Nick!?
[Scene: Later on in the after party, Schmidt approaches Brooke]
Schmidt: The chocolate fountain, it reminds me of the one in Tuscany, you ever been?
Brooke: Yeah, I was just there for New Year's, where's the chocolate fountain?
Schmidt: I don't know, I've never been, I'm just fascinated with the culture.
Jess: [From the other side of the room] Schmidt! Schmidt! I need you to help me take these off so I can go find Nick!
Brooke: God, are you friends with that girl?
Schmidt: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this but, she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. I was her Sid and she was my Nancy and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it and the poor thing just went, she went crazy.
Jess: Schmidt! I need you to help me slap my thighs around!
Schmidt: I don't want to scare you, but she can be very dangerous when she drinks. Okay, I shouldn't even be in the same room as her, it's just, it feels so good talking to you.
Brooke: Maybe we should get you out of here.
Schmidt: What a great idea, ues.
Brooke: I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.
Schmidt: Whatever you need, whatever, yeah, of course.
[Scene: Nick and Caroline are in a photo booth]
Nick: Ready, no lips. Name one, name one.
Caroline: Do, uh, wind tunnel!
Nick: Super high drivers license.
Caroline: [Laughs] Can we stay in here all night?
[Scene: Brooke walks into the restroom and finds Jess in there]
Jess: Oh, hi! Schmidt is very fond of you.
Brooke: Um, look, I..I don't know...I don't even know him that well, okay?
Jess: Oh! I'm just cutting off my underwear, you know, girl stuff. [Rips them off] Ahh. So tight. Well, it's been really nice chatting with you but I've gotta pretend boyfriend to hunt down, I think he's cheating on me [Brandishing a pallette knife] and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with. [Laughs]
[Scene: Nick and Caroline still in the photo booth]
Jess: [Pulls back curtain of photo booth] Aha! I trusted you!
Nick: Jess, get outta here.
Caroline: Nothing happened.
Jess: After everything we've built.
Nick: Go away, Jess, please.
Jess: Who are you?
Caroline: No, really, nothing happened. I have a boyfriend.
Nick: Wait, you have a boyfriend?
Caroline: Yeah, well I've been seeing someone. I didn't want to bring him because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I know that you have Jess...
Jess: Yeah, he has me... and our baby!
Caroline: Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys...
Jess: And our other baby!
Schmidt: [Goes up to Jess] Jess, what happened with Brooke?
Schmidt: She just left here in tears because she said that you threatened her with a knife!?
Jess: No, I was talking you up.
Schmidt: No, you shouldn't have been talking me up, you should've been taking care of Nick. Why is it so hard to do one thing?
Jess: How is this my fault?
Jess: Uh, did you just call me a ruiner?
Jess: Okay, you know what, forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. Give me my teeth back. [Goes in Nick's jacket]
Nick: Stop it, Jess.
Jess: You don't appreciate them.
Nick: Cool it!
Jess: Give them back. I'm gonna have fun, [puts in teeth] cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, and I like having fun at weddings, and I like dancing, and if you don't like that, then tough teeter tots, tooter. Jess is back. [Storms off]
Gretchen: [Walks over to Schmidt] Ah, you going home with me aren't you? [Puts the clip on earrings on him] Good boy. [Slaps his ass]
[Scene: Drunken Nick being filmed for the happy couple]
Nick: [Holds up pictures from the photo booth] That's Caroline and that's me. Four years we were together so...it doesn't matter to me, it's just what matter is..respect. [Crying] I'm just so alone right now, man and it's a real bad situation...
Camera Man: Uh, Steve and Bree.
Nick: Steve and Bree, because that's what this is about, I agree with you, you're good at your job, man. [Turning to the cardboard cut out of Steve and Bree] I'm so happy for you, you look great, it feels a little bit like you're rubbing it in my face, you know, happiness, but let's be honest, Bree, this doesn't look great on you. [Gestures to the dress] This. That's not a great look, Bree! Congratulations, Steve, nice fedora and no open bar, Steve, don't you understand that's tacky! You're dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man. [Kicks over cardboard cut out] Yeah! That happened! [Goes over to the photo booth] The photo booth is a liar, fyi. [Opens curtain] Oh, hey ladies, you guys wanna see a grown man cry? No? Then get out! I think I saw a single doctor looking at you. [To one of the women] This is gonna take a while, Orange.
[Scene: Jess. sitting at a table, blowing bubbles]
Jess: Hi there, partner.
Winston: [Sits down and put his feet up like Jess] Hey, can I tell you something you promise to never tell Schmidt? I love bubbles! [Laughs] I don't know why, I just always have. [Takes the bubbles and blows some, laughs again] You see that, that was like two in one.
Winston: Are you okay?
Jess: Yeah, I'm fine.
Winston: Those guys were jerks, but I know that they're glad you're around.
Winston: Yeahh, I'm just gonna come out and say it, especially Nick, but they're all thinking it. Even me. Most of the time.
Jess: [Smiles] It was weird, when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that eight year old. Do you wanna talk about that?
Winston: [Sniggers] You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so.. I kinda took my feelings out with dance...? [Jess laughs]
Schmidt: Okay, er, so, we have a situation.
Scene: [Nick drunkenly talking in the photo booth to himself]
Winston: Hey, Nick.
Nick: It's mine now.
Winston: How're you doing, buddy?
Nick: They want me to leave the booth...but I'm staying. This is my home now. It's got everything that I need.
Schmidt: [Showing the pictures to Jess] You can see by looking at these pictures, that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions. This one is... well that's actually his butt. He just keeps saying, Jess.
Nick: Jess! The fact is, is I was a mean person and I'm sorry, okay?
Jess: [Pokes her head into the booth] Hi, Nicholas.
Nick: Hey, Jess. I live in a photo booth, now.
Jess: Oh, is that so?
Nick: Yup. Come on in, come on in. That's the kitchen area.
Jess: Very nice.
Nick: This is the common area.
Jess: Oh, okay.
Nick: Dining room, living room, kind of everything.
Jess: It's very nice. Hey...she had a boyfriend...
Jess: She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. You can't be her back up plan. You have to let each other go. So now, you have to make a decision. Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off and dance my face off. [Laughs] Come on, it's up to you. [Leaves]
Nick: Oh, man, all right. [Pats the wall] I love you photo booth. [Leaves]
[Scene: Winston walks into the main room, and looks over at Nick and Caroline talking]
Winston: [Walks over to the table where Jess and Schmidt are] Yo, look at him. He looks better.
[Nick and Caroline]
Nick: I can't do this anymore. I have to let you go, Caroline, for real. It has to be over.
Caroline: [Sighs] Um... [Hugs him]
Nick: Goodbye, good luck and everything.
Caroline: Good bye.
Nick: Alright, um, I've gotta, excuse me. [Walks over to Jess, just as a song comes on] Come on, Jess.
Nick: Just please? Just come with me, right now. [She gets up and they walk onto the dancefloor and face each other] [Nick starts doing a slow motion chicken dance to the music]
Jess: [Laughs and joins in]
Schmidt: You know, that looks like so much fun. [Gets up and joins in]
Winston: [Laughs and joins in too]
Schmidt: Check out my beats.
Winston: Stop copying my beats.
[Credit Scene: Schmidt tied to Gretchen's bed]
Schmidt: Gretchen, you think that like, hooking up at all these weddings...I mean one of these times, we go on an actual date.
Gretchen: No! I'm just using you for your body.
Schmidt: Oh, okay, cool. How many more of these things?
Gretchen: We're just getting started.
Schmidt: That yellow helmet is... ugh.
Gretchen: Tonight, I'm gonna get certified on the River Schmidt.