When Jess tries to intervene with a classroom bully she finds herself the target of the bad seed student (guest star Joey King). Schmidt, meanwhile, is thrilled over his post-Valentine's sexcapades, but hates that his paramour wants to keep it a secret; and Nick goes into a tailspin when Julia (guest star Lizzy Caplan) sends him a cactus.
- Zooey Deschanel as Jess Day
- Jake Johnson as Nick Miller
- Max Greenfield as Schmidt
- Lamorne Morris as Winston Bishop
- Hannah Simone as Cece Parekh
- Roxana Ortega as Greta
- Tressa DiFiglia Handfield as Karen
- Lauren Dair Owens as Young Jess
- Delton Woods as Young Winston
- Daniel Jenks as Nathaniel
- Pratima Anae as Hot Girl
Schmidt rolls off of Cece, asking if she felt herself being swept along his body current, although he points out she'd never be sea worthy with those breasts.
She searches for a word that means complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing. Cece swears it was the last time, but she said that two times last night. He sneaks her out, but Jess catches him shutting the door. She thinks it was the same girl from before. "Oh my god, you slept with the same girl twice in a row! Was it a mistake? Was she wearing some kind of a disguise?"
Jess announces to Nick that Schmidt slept with the same girl two nights in a row, so she owes Nick $5. They want to meet her and wonder what's wrong with her: hunchback, Lovitz body?
At school, Jess admires her class's science projects. Briana built a robotic arm. A chubby kid named Nathaniel asks Jess if he can eat lunch in the classroom. The kids at lunch started playing a game called "coin slot", they put pennies in his butt crack. He made 46 cents, which he offers to Jess. "No, no, you earned that," she refuses.
At home, Nick tries to figure out what the cactus Julia sent him from her business trip means. He thinks she's going to break up with him because he can't take care of a regular plant. Nick tells Jess his theory and she laughs. He explains it's a symbol of their relationship. Then he trips and drops it.
Alone in his room, Schmidt takes a picture of his junk (then does red eye correction three times...wait for it). Cece calls from out front, full of self-loathing as she invites him down. Schmidt gets dressed and sneaks out as Nick glues his cactus back together. Jess explains that she taught a lesson at school today. Cut to her strumming guitar and singing about a "plump bird" who gets chased by predators as Nathaniel plays the back-up Casio in the front of the class. She also explains that music can really make a difference and that kids were taping her with cell phones. Winston immediately finds it on YouTube, with a few enhancements. Jess's head is on the bird's body and other birds are flying over and pooping on her head. They're not bullying Nathaniel anymore, they're bullying her.
At the curb, Cece explains they can't go to her to her place because there are 12 models in two rooms. She suggests car sex, but Schmidt says he can't do any of his moves in there. "I'm like a sexual snowflake, each night with me is a unique experience," he says. She's ready to go now. "Isn't there like a Starbucks bathroom or something around here?" "What am I, a gypsy courtesan?" Schmidt asks.
Upstairs, Winston and Nick wonder how Jess is going to punish the kid who made the video. She plans to find them and "open up a dialogue". Winston says he used to be a bully. Cut to him as a kid giving a kid a nipple twister and calling out "brown lightning". He had his own catch phrase. Jess gets a call from Schmidt that there's a crescent moon tonight. She and Winston race to the window to look and Schmidt sneaks Cece in. Then they realize they don't care about crescent moons.
Nick leaves Jess a message, thanking her for the cactus, and closing with "you're the best around". He calls back, saying he gets it, he's the cactus. A few beers later, he's saying he'd grow needles in the desert, too. He leaves a few more, asking her to call him back as he rolls around on his bed. Then, he leaves one saying he just realized about the time difference and to delete the others. He closes with "I love you" followed quickly by "what?!?".
Cece prepares to sneak out of Schmidt's and promises again that it was the last time. But he says they haven't even gotten to the cheese course, a little sharp cheddar, manchengo.... (It makes no sense and is still somehow creepy). "Why is this working? I am so turned on right now," she says. Then she changes her mind and leaves the room, but doesn't get far because Jess is in the living room, trying to figure out how to remove something from the Internet. Cece goes back to Schmidt. "Fine, give me the damn cheese," she says, stripping.
Jess finds Briana's robot arm in the music video and the next day tries to talk to Briana. Instead she gets an inquisition about why she doesn't have a boyfriend and is she barren and why is her voice so deep like a man's and why does her happiness seem like a mask? Briana leaves and Jess rips the robotic arm off, but instantly regrets it.
Julia comes to Nick's and he greets her at the door with his broken cactus. He immediately apologizes, saying that he over-reacted and he's sorry. She says she didn't mean anything by it, but then she says she thinks they should break up. She didn't think it at the time, but after listening to his seven messages about it, it sort of clicked. She's sorry. "So I was right about the cactus?" he asks.
Jess calls Winston to confess. She asks for tools to fix it. Nick comes out cradling his cactus and a six pack and tells Winston that Julia broke up with him. He's high as a kite, but putting on a happy face.</span>
Cece takes Schmidt to a party, where she proposes he wait in the car for her while she goes inside. She offers to crack a window for him. He asks if she's ashamed of him. "Yes, absolutely. I am 100% ashamed of you," she says. He agree to not go into the party if she goes to breakfast with him tomorrow. She agrees.
At the science fair, Winston checks out the displays. "What can old people do?" and "Does it taste better with hot sauce?" Briana strolls over to her experiment and her moms give Jess a disapproving look. Briana fires it up and the arm sparks and dies. Her moms turn on her and Briana claims someone sabotaged it. Briana blames Nathaniel and her moms call for his head. Jess confesses she broke the science project and says that Briana is "difficult". Winston interjects that she sucks and is the demon seed. The moment is interrupted by stoned Nick shouting for everyone to get along and then breaking down in tears, saying that we're all going to die alone.
Tanya calls Jess to her office at 9 a.m.. He assures the moms she'll be watching Jess closely. They leave and Jess apologizes to Tanya, but she's not concerned at all. She's proud of Jess for becoming one of them: a "kid hater". Back in class, Jess talks to Briana and tells her it's OK if she doesn't like her style, but Briana's just going to have to deal with it. And sing a duet with her in front of the class.
Cece has breakfast with Schmidt at a diner entirely full of old people. She tells him they're not in a relationship and she doesn't want to be a prize that he gets to show off. He wants to tell people because she is the "dopest, flyest, smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman that I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time". "Do you want to tell the waitress?" she asks. He stands up and calls the restaurant to attention, then announces that he's having sex with this woman. He finishes it off with a failed "parkour!"
Nick mopes in his room. Jess brings him a plant. She knows he'll kill it. "You're a plant killer, and I write songs. We're weirdos, but that's who we are," she says. Later, they all watch Jess's song with Briana: "Let me Lift You Up with my Robot Arm".
- "I think I speak for the whole human race when I say that people like her (gestures to the bully) should not be building robots"
- The school that Jess teaches is W.R. Hearst Middle School as shown at the science fair.