Jess insults Cece's modeling profession in front of her other model friends. Meanwhile, Schmidt feels insulted after Nick says he is bothered by Schmidt buying him a cookie and thinking about him during the day.
- Zooey Deschanel as Jess Day
- Jake Johnson as Nick Miller
- Lamorne Morris as Winston Bishop
- Max Greenfield as Schmidt
- Hannah Simone as Cece Parekh
- Rebecca Reid as Nadia
- Jason Antoon as Clipboard Guy
- James M. Connor as Gary
- Robert Reinis as Account Executive
- Agnes Olech as Olya
- Britni Stanwood as Foreign Model
- Greice Santo as Maria
- Jesus Solorio as Fake Wilmer Valderrama
- Johanna Parker as Model Scout
- Lauren Dair Owens as Young Jess
- Ariela Barer as Young Cece
- Stone Eisenmann as Young Nick
- Jordan Fuller as Young Winston
Jess brings Cece a cake for her birthday. But Cece says she has a car show tomorrow and can't eat it. Jess is expecting they'll stay in, watch "Clueless" and make prom dresses out of towels like they've done every birthday -- except in seventh grade when Jess left her sleepover angry because Cece accidentally hit her boob. Instead, Cece suggests they go out with her roommate Nadia and her model friends.
Back home, Nick schemes to buy a turtle. Schmidt comes home with a cookie for Nick, because he was thinking about him. Nick finds this supremely odd.
Jess comes out in her going-out-with-models outfit. Schmidt advises her to look more tired and bored. Nick thinks she put shoe polish on her eyes.
She's not looking forward to going out with the models. "I figure the best way to talk to models is just point to objects and describe them," she says. ("The table is round! Oh look, a lamp!")
"I should be able to deal with the fact that they think I look like a monkey from a Russian cracker ad," she says.
Jess arrives at the club and Nadia immediately asks her where the crackers are.
Back at the loft, Schmidt is weird to Nick. "You don't think about me?" Schmidt asks. "Why would I think about you?" "Because we're friends, we're not animals." "We're men, Schmidt. The only time a man is allowed to think about another man is when that man is Jay Cutler," Nick says.
Schmidt says he doesn't know what is allowed in the "cold hearted Republic of Nick Miller." Nick wishes he could throw up the cookie and mash it down Schmidt's throat. "You want to mama bird me the cookie?"
Back at the party, Jess sings a song about the monkey at the behest of the models. When she finishes, they tell the "monkey" to sing again. She sees Cece off talking to a guy and gets annoyed, telling them she doesn't want to and they're the worst. "I don't know why Cece would want to spend her birthday here, it's like years of modeling have made her dumber," Jess says, just in time for Cece to hear.
Nick goes to talk to Winston about his turtle plans, but Winston asks why he's hurting Schmidt. He knows how Nick is.
Flashback to young Winston upset that his pet has run away as young Nick plays with a rock. In response to Winston lamenting is lost pet, Nick says: "This rock is so round, I'm going to go put it in a jar."
In the loft, Winston points out he says good night to Nick every night and he never says it back. Schmidt goes into Nick's room every week and cleans it and then puts everything back where he found it. Winston says it wasn't a cookie, it was a piece of Schmidt's heart.
At the party, Cece is upset that Jess embarrassed her. Jess can't believe she won't eat cake on her birthday and says she feels sorry for Cece sometimes. Cece smacks her in the boob. Jess smacks back and they get in a boob slap fight. Finally, Cece tells Jess to leave. Cece turns to vodka.
Nick comes home, and Winston informs him Schmidt isn't speaking to him. He's tired of doing things Nick doesn't notice, like lining his shoes up at the door, recording his favorite shows and his turndown service. Nick notices Schmidt is crying.
Jess comes in the middle of the weird silence. "Did you guys watch porn together again? Why do you keep doing that? It's always awkward," she says.
Winston and Schmidt both get up and leave. Nick tells Jess that in March, he and Schmidt will have lived together for ten years. He knows, because Schmidt asked him what he wanted to do for their tin anniversary. She asks how they became friends.
Flashback to freshman year, Nick woke up in his dorm one day and fat Schmidt was just there, eating uncooked ramen. "You're a super weird guy," Nick says.
Back in the loft, Nick says the truth is Schmidt loves him and all Nick does is make fun of him. Jess says she's a bad friend and mentions her boob fight with Cece. "I'm just going to say this: I find that arousing. Let's move on," he says.
Jess is upset that Cece is a model when she's smart and interesting. Nick asks if she ever wonders why they're friends with these people and if they would be if they met them now.
Schmidt comes out of his room and announces to Nick that he's out of tears and is now crying yellowish goo.
Jess goes to visit Cece. She finds Nadia in her underwear with "Wilmer Valderrama." Cece is sick in her room.
Jess goes in to check on her and finds her looking rough and on the edge of vomiting.
They go to the car show, where Cece insists she well enough to model. But when the guy tells her to hop on the spinning car platform, she bails. Jess steps in.
In hair and make-up, they tell Jess to be "mischievous" about the Ford eco-boost engine. They give her platform heels.
As the guy gives his Ford spiel, Jess teeters onto the platform, struggling for balance. One of her shoes gets stuck in the edge of the spinning platform and she tries to keep pace with her stuck foot. Finally, she comes out of her shoe and nearly falls down. She manages to get in the car, then gets stuck inside and spills out. Cece watches in horror.
Back at the loft, Nick brings Schmidt a cookie. They didn't have a Jewish star so he broke off the pieces to honor his heritage. Schmidt says it's terrible. Nick sputters, not knowing what Schmidt wants. He spent 45 minutes in the grocery store wandering. He was going to get him ramen like they used to eat, but he figures Schmidt probably eats fancy ramen now, with figs in it.
"You love me too much, Schmidt. And you picked the wrong guy. When are you going to get that through the giant head of yours? I'm just going to let you down!" Nick says.
They notice Nick's crying. "Just let it rain, man," Winston says. "What about the turtle?" Schmidt asks. "You're the only turtle I want," Nick says.
They share a group hug and Nick says he loves them. Then they break up and all find somewhere else to be quickly.
At the car show, Jess and Cece make up. Jess decides modeling is harder than it looks, although Cece assures Jess that she makes it look much harder than it is.
Back at the loft, Cece, Jess and the guys watch "Clueless" and eat cake. Jess asks Cece if they'd be friends if they met today. "I don't know, but we're friends now," she says.
Back in Nick's college dorm room, he asks fat Schmidt who is favorite rapper is. "Brian Austin Green."
Notes & Trivia
- When Jess is introducing the car, as a model, the song "You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates is played. That song was used in (500) Days of Summer where Zooey Deschannel has the leading role.
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