Jess puts the gang's living arrangements in jeopardy when she befriends the quirky landlord against Nick's wishes. Schmidt struggles with how to respond to his boss's advances.
- Zooey Deschanel as Jess Day
- Jake Johnson as Nick Miller
- Max Greenfield as Schmidt
- Lamorne Morris as Winston Bishop
- Hannah Simone as Cece Parekh
- Steve Humphreys as Road Rage Guy
- Piper Major as Barista
- Alex Lynn Ward as Elevator Woman
- Potsch Boyd as Delivery Guy
- Aaron Landon as Young Nick
- Portia Martine Berman as Young Jess
- Brad Carter as Stranger
- Faruq Tauheed as Security Guard #1
Nick tries to pull into a parking spot with Jess in the car and ends up yelling at the driver of a truck trying to take the spot. Jess suggests he might be a nice guy having a bad day. The guy and Nick yell at each other until the guy pulls a gun. Nick ducks but Jess starts apologizing for Nick. The guy backs down and drives away. "I can't believe this is working, you out-crazyed a man with a gun," Nick says.
Schmidt freaks out, thinking he's getting mixed signals from his boss when she tells him about a conference call. Winston says it's always in Schmidt's head. Cut to Schmidt refusing a delivery when the man tells him he has a package for him because he had a package for him.
Back home, Jess and Nick come home arguing. Jess accuses him of being negative. The garbage disposal goes haywire and Nick deals with it by sticking a broom handle in and fighting with it. She wants to call the landlord, but they assure her he's a terrible person.
Schmidt brings a budget report to his boss Kim, trying to make it sound sexy. She takes off her jacket and tells him to sort her files, where she can watch. He tries to toy with a file, but it just comes off weird.
Jess goes down to the basement with cupcakes for the landlord, who appears to be making a spear out of a broom handle. She admires his bucket of gasoline, "super practical." She asks him to fix their safety concerns, but he says no. She mentions the "four of us up there" and he tells her their apartment is only supposed to have three.
She goes up and tells the guys as the landlord knocks on the door. They go into action, dragging a bed out onto the balcony and telling Jess to call Schmidt "Jimmy."
The landlord knows Nick as Brad and Winston as Coach. Schmidt adopts a vaguely Eastern European accent and leaves with a suitcase as soon as he gets there.
Schmidt's room is empty except for a chair. They're calling it the library.
He finds a weird sex mural in Winston's closet, with black lighting. It used to be Schmidt's. The landlord relents, telling them four people is fine, as long as they paint over the sex wall and don't bother him anymore. The guys want to let him leave, but Jess asks him to fix a few things. She calls him Remy because he has a tattoo that says "Hello, my name is Remy".
At work, Kim tells Schmidt to clean up her hard drive. Then she repeats it slowly.
Remy fixes Jess's closet door, talking about not seeing his divorce coming. He tries to help her open the door, getting behind her and grunting.
Nick sees and asks to talk to Jess alone. He points out Remy wants to sleep with her. "Any time a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it's just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck, watch any sports movie," he tells her. She accuses him of seeing the worst in people, but he says that's because people are the worst.
Remy strolls out in his undershirt, telling Jess he hopes she doesn't mind the smell of a real man in her room. He's ready to get started on her bed.
Winston goes through the closet and finds something wonderful on a piece of paper.
CeCe drops by on her way to see Kyle on Greg Kinnear's boat. Schmidt describes his "sex marathon" with his boss, saying that he feels like he's in mile 25 and is cramping and peeing down his leg. She tells him to go for it, that there's nothing less sexy than a man asking permission.
"Nothing? What if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? What if I called my mom after sex, to describe it to her? What if I had a croissant blog?" he offers.
Nick and Winston come home with whatever Winston found. He reads from it. "Everything is easy when you are a battleship invading the bay of success." It's Schmidt's New Year's Eve resolutions from 2007, including "Stop pursuing Caroline, she's Nick's girl. Deal with it."
No. 5: Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, then steal it.
Jess comes out to tell them a really funny thing that just happened. Remy was fixing the sink and it sprayed all over Jess and she got really wet. She invited him to dinner to thank him. They all have other plans until Nick realizes Jess would be alone with him.
The three of them sit down to dinner. Remy brought a bottle of something. "I ferment things in the basement," he says. "I also make cheese." Jess tries it but spits it out. Nick needs to stay sober to fight Remy later. Jess reminds him to be nice and dip his toe in the pool of possibilities.
Jess tells Nick he has a lot in common with Remy, including that they both just went through bad breakups. "Did you go out looking for companionship, a little human warmth, only to come to in the woods, covered in animal blood?" Remy asks. "In my own way," Nick says.
Schmidt walks Kim to the elevator. She says she's going to go home and open a bottle of wine. He says he's doing the same and walks to his car. Then he tosses down his key and races to her car, throwing open the door. He announces he wants her, now.
"Finally!" she says. He pulls her out of her car and starts kissing her, but the security guards watching think something else is going on. They pull up and throw him to the ground.
Back at the apartment, Remy thanks them for a good time and goes to the bathroom. Jess confronts Nick, trying to get him to admit he was wrong about Remy wanting to sleep with her.
Remy comes back in his boxer shorts. "I've never done a threesome. That's what we're doing here, right?" he asks.
Cut to Nick telling Jess he loves watching her be wrong. They argue again over whether people are good or bad. She's not ready to back down. Nick can't believe she'd have a threesome just to prove she's right. She announces they're having a threesome.
They walk into the bedroom, where Remy wants to get the rules straight. "OK, this is happening, with this guy, Jess?" Nick says. Remy puts on some music.
Nick urges Jess to say she's wrong as Remy comes up behind Nick and starts rubbing his neck. He tells him he's going to unbutton Nick's pants, then Nick gets to be the "Underpants Captain". Jess thinks that sounds great.
Remy suggests Nick and Jess get things started. They dare each other, each saying they're up for it. "Say that you're wrong, and this is all over," Nick tells her. He says he can do it, but she can't. She won't back down until he grabs her to kiss her and she shoves him off. "Fine! I admit it! I'm wrong!" Jess says.
Remy assures them cold feet is part of the journey.
Winston wanders by and asks what's going on. Remy says he isn't ready for a four-way. He bails.
Later, at the table, Nick admits he's on a weird ego high. Winston flips a light switch, blowing a fuse. They agree they have to live with it.
At work, Schmidt with his shiner and busted lip checks with Kim that he's not going to lose his job. He's had a thing for her since he was the husky kid in the mail room. As proof he offers up his 2007 resolutions, No. 4 "Only think about hot new CFO every-other time I masturbate."
No. 9: Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already.
Kim tells him to go into the conference room and dial her into the Tokyo call, now. She says it kind of breathlessly.
Schmidt runs in and strips. He gets on the table and starts doing sexy poses for a room full of Japanese businessmen on video conference.
Jess and Nick get on the elevator with Remy. He tells them his door is always open.
- "Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it's just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie"
- —Nick to Jess