- Jess – Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
- Schmidt – Yes! Now let's talk about my problems
Nick is worried that he will run into his ex-girlfriend at a mutual friend's wedding the guys were invited to, so he asks Jess to be his date. Winston takes his job as usher way too seriously, and Schmidt not only catches the eye of a beautiful young woman, but also the eye of his "frenemy" Gretchen.
- Zooey Deschanel as Jess Day
- Jake Johnson as Nick Miller
- Max Greenfield as Schmidt
- Lamorne Morris as Winston Bishop
- Hannah Simone as Cece Parekh (credit only)
- Armann Juneja as Jimmy
- Eric Winzenried as Bartender
- Darren Capozzi as DJ Announcer
- Dawan Owens as Man
- Will Hawkes as Videographer
Jess prepares for her fake date at a wedding with Nick, where she will act as buffer to his ex-girlfriend Caroline. Winston is fired up to serve as usher. It's the first job he's had in months and he wants to "ush" the crap out of it. Jess practices her Chicken Dance.
"We're not trying to be mean, we just don't want you to be mean in any way," Schmidt says. She comes out all fancied up and they're impressed -- until she reveals the prop teeth.
At the wedding, they see Brooke, a girl Schmidt has liked since freshman year. "She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch, it was like having a hot, alcoholic cat," Nick says. "I used to put water out for her," Schmidt adds. Winston meets a tween punk named Jimmy who introduces himself as alternate usher. Winston is threatened. Schmidt sees Gretchen, who he says is a "terrible person" who he nevertheless ends up having sex with after every wedding. Flash back to a montage of them doing it ferociously in closets. She promises to tie him down to show him pictures of her river rafting trip later.
Nick spies Caroline and fails at acting natural. Jess asks to be introduced in a faux British voice. She botches Caroline's name a few times then tells her that she and Nick are exhausted from all the sex they're having. She succeeds at making Caroline jealous and Nick is impressed. Brooke walks up to the bar next to Schmidt, who she doesn't recognize until he refers to himself as "Fat Schmidt." She says she's six months sober and he pretends he is, too. Then he commands the bartender to meet him in the bathroom with a water bottle full of vodka.
Jimmy the kid usher taunts Winston. Nick notices Caroline watching him. She comes over and Nick gives Jess an opening to leave, which she takes immediately. But she ends up in the spotlight when the new couple is introduced and covers by addressing the crowd loudly to present them. Caroline asks Nick if they're serious. He says they live together. Schmidt hits the bar for any kind of alcohol. Gretchen finds him and insults him. Jess is uncomfortable in her tiny bicycle shorts, but Schmidt turns it back to him. He wants Brooke and is trying to resist Gretchen.
Schmidt and Winston see Nick talking to Caroline and warn that she will flirt until she's sure she can have him, then bail. She tries to distract him with dancing, but he goes to get a drink with Caroline, telling Jess he might actually have a chance. The tiny usher joins her on the dance floor and corners her. Winston feels challenged and engages in a dance-off, which he ruins by rubbing up on Jess. Schmidt finds Brooke at the chocolate fountain, but is interrupted by Jess calling for help to get her bicycle shorts off. He tells Brooke that Jess happened when he hit rock bottom and she can be a little dangerous. Brooke suggests they leave, but she has to go to the fountain first.
Nick and Caroline take pictures in the photo booth, with her on his lap. He makes her laugh and she asks if they can stay in there all night. Brooke runs into Jess in the bathroom, where she's cutting off her bicycle shorts with a knife. Brooke thinks her nuttiness is crazy eyes and worries when Jess says Schmidt likes her. Jess jokingly warns her not to hurt Schmidt, wagging the knife in her face.
Jess finds Nick and Caroline in the photo booth and makes a scene. Caroline assures her it's fine and she has a boyfriend. Caroline runs off. Schmidt reports that Jess scared off Brooke and calls her a "ruiner." Jess takes out her fake teeth and resolves to have fun at the wedding. Gretchen finds Schmidt and puts her clip on earrings on him. Drunk Nick gets in front of the wedding videographer and cries about how he's so alone. Then he mocks their cut outs, telling him no open bar is tacky. Winston finds Jess alone with her fake teeth. He assures her the guys are glad she's around. She asks if he wants to talk about the "freak sandwich" with the eight year old.
Schmidt comes to get them. Nick is in the photo booth with a bottle of whiskey. He tells Jess he's sorry he was mean. Jess joins him. Jess tells him he shouldn't be Caroline's back-up plan. She suggest he dance his face off instead. Nick sits down with Caroline, telling her he has to let her go and it has to be over. He hugs her good-bye. Then Phil Collins starts and he grabs Jess to dance. They do the chicken dance in slow motion to "Groovy Kind of Love." Back at the apartment, tied to the bed, with Gretchen on top of him (still in her pantsuit), he suggests they go on a date sometime. She says no and continues the white water rafting slide show.
- Nick finally gets over Caroline
- Winston loves bubbles
- Nick and Caroline were together for 4 years
- Jess' beauty tip for wearing her dress was wearing little girls' biker shorts
- Schmidt always sleeps with Gretchen at weddings
- Hannah Simone does not appear in this episode
- dancing with myself | BILLY IDOL
- modern love | DAVID BOWIE
- do you want to | FRANZ FERDINAND
- Jess tries to get Nick to dance
- (i love you) for sentimental reasons | NAT KING COLE
- Mr. and Mrs. entrance
- chances are | JOHNNY MATHIS
- Winston talks to Jess
- a groovy kind of love | PHIL COLLINS
- chicken dance